Alright...

Old post on draft.. Written 10/2012

Alright, maybe I have changed.
I don’t spend my time relating my life to a soap opera anymore.

I’ve realized my life is what I make it (yes, a Hannah Montana reference -.-), and I have made it extremely complicated these past years. Now that I have ‘grown up’ and I’ve seen and experienced more things, I can set my mind on where ever I need it to go.

Insider: You do realize that by writing this you’re just making everything a inner conflict with what you don’t want to think about, right?
Myself: Yes. Yes, I do.

I challenged myself to be social, random, interesting; all for the same reason I’ve always wanted to be that way: to be accepted.

Well, guess what? Congratulations! You’ve just been accepted by the 1000+ people you’ve ever met! Now what?

You don’t speak to them, you don’t see half of them, you barely like ¼ of them, and you envy at least 1/100 of them. But then again your focus is only on one of them; or in this case two.

And of course, this one person you focus on is a douche. Yes, yes, you won’t realize this until your phase is over, but accordingly, yes, he is nothing but a big douchebag. ‘Why?’ you ask? Let me just take you on a ride to your past…

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
DONE!

How was that? Was it refreshing enough?
Alright then, back to the douche.
McJerk just walks in, says something nice, walks away, destroys all hope possible, you move on, it comes back with excellent news, all hopes are restored, you lay as many cards as you can, it doesn’t like your hand and POW! It strikes out with 4 motherfucking aces right in your face, and you send the world to hell.
Story of my goddamn life.

It’s like I prey on these events to happen to me over and over again, like if I were an addict.

But I’ve grown, I say, how is it possible?

To see it for what it is, we gave up.

Oh, Emerald.
You poor lost soul.
Everyday, you wake up from your dreams to a world of reality.
Realities that sometimes catch you completely off guard, making you believe you're not able to handle them; that your dreams are a better alternative to what goes on in the real world.

Remember that post I promised you a year back?
I think it's the proper time to relive the memories, and hopefully give them a well-anticipated final goodbye.

I was blind. My eagerness to become someone different, made me trust talking fruits. The apple spoke to me, and I listened. He said I was someone different; that no one could take away how special I was. I soaked up in every word he said. It gave me balance. Confidence. Bravery. I felt as if I could conquer the world; but something was holding me back. You see, when beauty is flashed in front of your eyes, you can barely see the big picture. The brightness of it blocked my previous views, my deep memories, my old life, and I couldn't see what was wrong. All I could see was that chance of being perfect; that hope of being great.
They say you don't know what you have until it's gone.
It's gone.
I never had anything at all.
It was an illusion.
Fruits can't define you. Fruits can't talk.

I was loud. My intention was to cure a silenced voice; a mute. I saw in him the wasted talent I thought I had. As egotistical as I am, everything thing he would do was a reference to me, naturally. He was quiet; I found fruits spoke for him at times. Those times when he did try communicating, his talent would compensate for all that was unsaid. But I intervened; I felt he was being stepped on, and misunderstood. I thought I had the power to bring his voice to life. I thought. My mistake. I took his voice and silenced it myself. I never listened; I never heard his voice.
They say walls have eyes.
They also have ears.
Mutes cannot define you. Mutes can't talk.
They listen.

I was bored. I craved adventures, new experiences, and love. I didn't want to settle down after finding love on the first try. I felt I hadn't seen enough to know what love actually was. I knew there had to be someone out there who was perfect in my eyes. But perfection doesn't exist. If it did, what made me believe I deserved it? A self-righteous maniac with depression deserves perfection; what a joke. I take love for granted. I'm still not clear on what it really is... or if I actually deserve it. He cares. I don't. Romantics at it's finest.
They say you accept the love you think you deserve.
I don't know if I do.
It's complicated.
It's actually simple.
Love can't define you. Love won't shut up.


I give up.

Oh! You're alive?

I guess when you’re locked up and have no one to talk to, your mind has a little breather and your creative juices start flowing again. I had spent almost a year without a thought to record, and today this is my second one and counting.

First of all, hello Emerald!

 Ever since Kony mind-fucked us, you hadn’t seen the light of day! Welcome back to my life. It’s pretty screwed up how the Kony thing died down in my mind… I was so enthusiastic to help. I jumped in as quick as I could, told the people that matter most to me, and here we are, mid-September, and not a sign on where the bastard could be. And I don’t think of him unless I stumble upon that t-shirt I bought… Many times I feel I have no power to help them. I didn’t feel like I did by getting a bracelet, I didn’t feel like it when I donate $10 dollars to the cause, and now that it’s just a memory, I don’t even feel there’s anymore hope for those poor children. The media fed me so many opinions, so many images at once; all my head did was just shut the thought of the whole thing down. But all in all, even if every month my bank account is overdrawn because of it, I’m glad that I still have the automatic donations to the Kony 2012 program; because if they do catch the asshole, I can say I did care… at least for a while.

 Sooo, back to reality! I pretty sure you’re expecting anecdotes about someone, or a mute, or a fruit, or maybe that one person you love…

Yep Emerald, you know me all to well. But I want to keep the juices flowing, so that’ll be for another entry.

 Let’s talk about something else for a change..

KONY 2012

With every word written here, I've felt, at least, a bit of closure, because I feel that in one way or another I have released my opinion. People may or may not read, but it is a relaxing to know that I have a voice and I can use it for good.

For the past 26 years, Joseph Kony has been abducting Central African children to become part of his rebel army 'Lord's Resistance Army'. This man has scared these children into believing in what he says, and make them kill for the sake of his own power. He needs to be stopped.

The only way to stop him is if the whole world knows of him and his actions.
To whomever reads this simple blog, help the unknown children of Central Africa. Help the Invisible Children.
We only have this year to capture him, we need to make the days count.
The more we share the story of this sick man, the faster we can find him and bring him to justice.

http://youtu.be/Y4MnpzG5Sqc
Educate yourslef, and become a savior.

Use your voice.

Screaming Silence

Since I can't speak to you, I might as well pretend you might read this, just to vent.

Although you want me to forget you, I'm the type of person that can act like I don't remember. But it doesn't mean I don't think of you time to time. It's impossible for me to forget someone I shared my life with.

I sincerely see you as a friend, someone I can trust and talk to without being judged.

I don't blame you for asking me to leave you alone to live your life in peace.. I understand.
But I have this immense urge to talk to you, see how you are, share what's going on in your life...

I am trying to be the friend I had the chance of being before, and give you the space you need.

Regardless of what you dreamt, or what you assume will happen with me, I don't think anything will change just so you know.

Im stuck on the person I love now

breathe [ENC 1102]

And entry number 2:
Enjoy!


Going through my daily rituals, following them religiously, I was interrupted this afternoon by something not on schedule; not in my plans.

Wake Up
School
CafeCultura
Home
Work
Home
Sleep

CafeCultura wasn't going to take place in the same sit-down and speak atmosphere, no. The chilly winds invited us all to go to the pavillion and listen to what 'Slam Poetry' was all about. Time was ticking. Since CC was cancelled, I had an extra hour to kill. What the heck.. I won't even sit! That way I can leave without making a scene if it's boring.

And then Asia came along and told us all to just "Breathe."
"Because anything worth happening
Happens between the inhale and the exhale
Between conception and death
And time fills the spaces between
with the beat by which we tune our breath"

And I could feel the the knot in my throat getting tighter and tighter.

"Time is ticking,
Slipping faster than we can expect
So I can't afford anymore time
trying to define what comes next
I am living now, I am living today
I am living as if the entire world is my stage"

So many thoughts pulling the knot on each end,
Making it hard to listen.
I bite my tounge, so the pain drifts away.
But it's only for a moment
Until I can feel it tightening again,
My mind is exploding, the pain consumes my shoulders as well
And Im just lost.
Until right then, after clenching my eyes,
I hear his voice soften,
Eyes wide open
He tells us to just
breathe.

Pardon me... [ENC 1102]

Well.. I had an ENC1102 class I had to write for.. and I only worte 2 entries. This is entry number 1:


Alright, so I'm supposed to write here for credit...
I find it a challenge to write on a normal basis. I tend to write when Im really really mad, or just a little sad.

Today, I am furious.

Not a lot has been going well for me and my boyfriend. We've been fighting for the past four days, and it's getting on my last nerve.


Those days we look each other in the eye, and see the love sprouting all about.
The scent of the gardenia we found on the street that afternoon still lives.
Your voice on the phone late at night, trying not to shout.
I can feel your warm hands on my face when cold hits.
It's al here; in my mind. In my heart.

But you're far away now
And somehow
Everything we felt doesn't matter.
You don't care,
I don't care,
It doesn't matter.

What is wrong with us?!
Everyday ending in a fuss.
Tormenting each other with the past,
when all we want is time to slip fast
to that day we were on the rooftop
watching the sun set.
Oh, that sunset.
Where our eyes turned to that hue of orange...

What is wrong with us?
It might not be time to be with one another,
but know, that by blaming each other,
we grow apart,
and although we're miles away
let me just say
that the tears that I have shed
will not go to waste.

I gotta keep writing!

Forgive and Forget

"Optimism is an illusion."

I choose to live the illusion of being happy with everything around me.

I feel that, with a little optimisim, I can forget all things wrong.
It's what makes me sleep better at nights.

I'm not always optimistic.

I have my doubts.

But hopefully that will change.