Alright...

Old post on draft.. Written 10/2012

Alright, maybe I have changed.
I don’t spend my time relating my life to a soap opera anymore.

I’ve realized my life is what I make it (yes, a Hannah Montana reference -.-), and I have made it extremely complicated these past years. Now that I have ‘grown up’ and I’ve seen and experienced more things, I can set my mind on where ever I need it to go.

Insider: You do realize that by writing this you’re just making everything a inner conflict with what you don’t want to think about, right?
Myself: Yes. Yes, I do.

I challenged myself to be social, random, interesting; all for the same reason I’ve always wanted to be that way: to be accepted.

Well, guess what? Congratulations! You’ve just been accepted by the 1000+ people you’ve ever met! Now what?

You don’t speak to them, you don’t see half of them, you barely like ¼ of them, and you envy at least 1/100 of them. But then again your focus is only on one of them; or in this case two.

And of course, this one person you focus on is a douche. Yes, yes, you won’t realize this until your phase is over, but accordingly, yes, he is nothing but a big douchebag. ‘Why?’ you ask? Let me just take you on a ride to your past…

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
DONE!

How was that? Was it refreshing enough?
Alright then, back to the douche.
McJerk just walks in, says something nice, walks away, destroys all hope possible, you move on, it comes back with excellent news, all hopes are restored, you lay as many cards as you can, it doesn’t like your hand and POW! It strikes out with 4 motherfucking aces right in your face, and you send the world to hell.
Story of my goddamn life.

It’s like I prey on these events to happen to me over and over again, like if I were an addict.

But I’ve grown, I say, how is it possible?

To see it for what it is, we gave up.

Oh, Emerald.
You poor lost soul.
Everyday, you wake up from your dreams to a world of reality.
Realities that sometimes catch you completely off guard, making you believe you're not able to handle them; that your dreams are a better alternative to what goes on in the real world.

Remember that post I promised you a year back?
I think it's the proper time to relive the memories, and hopefully give them a well-anticipated final goodbye.

I was blind. My eagerness to become someone different, made me trust talking fruits. The apple spoke to me, and I listened. He said I was someone different; that no one could take away how special I was. I soaked up in every word he said. It gave me balance. Confidence. Bravery. I felt as if I could conquer the world; but something was holding me back. You see, when beauty is flashed in front of your eyes, you can barely see the big picture. The brightness of it blocked my previous views, my deep memories, my old life, and I couldn't see what was wrong. All I could see was that chance of being perfect; that hope of being great.
They say you don't know what you have until it's gone.
It's gone.
I never had anything at all.
It was an illusion.
Fruits can't define you. Fruits can't talk.

I was loud. My intention was to cure a silenced voice; a mute. I saw in him the wasted talent I thought I had. As egotistical as I am, everything thing he would do was a reference to me, naturally. He was quiet; I found fruits spoke for him at times. Those times when he did try communicating, his talent would compensate for all that was unsaid. But I intervened; I felt he was being stepped on, and misunderstood. I thought I had the power to bring his voice to life. I thought. My mistake. I took his voice and silenced it myself. I never listened; I never heard his voice.
They say walls have eyes.
They also have ears.
Mutes cannot define you. Mutes can't talk.
They listen.

I was bored. I craved adventures, new experiences, and love. I didn't want to settle down after finding love on the first try. I felt I hadn't seen enough to know what love actually was. I knew there had to be someone out there who was perfect in my eyes. But perfection doesn't exist. If it did, what made me believe I deserved it? A self-righteous maniac with depression deserves perfection; what a joke. I take love for granted. I'm still not clear on what it really is... or if I actually deserve it. He cares. I don't. Romantics at it's finest.
They say you accept the love you think you deserve.
I don't know if I do.
It's complicated.
It's actually simple.
Love can't define you. Love won't shut up.


I give up.

Oh! You're alive?

I guess when you’re locked up and have no one to talk to, your mind has a little breather and your creative juices start flowing again. I had spent almost a year without a thought to record, and today this is my second one and counting.

First of all, hello Emerald!

 Ever since Kony mind-fucked us, you hadn’t seen the light of day! Welcome back to my life. It’s pretty screwed up how the Kony thing died down in my mind… I was so enthusiastic to help. I jumped in as quick as I could, told the people that matter most to me, and here we are, mid-September, and not a sign on where the bastard could be. And I don’t think of him unless I stumble upon that t-shirt I bought… Many times I feel I have no power to help them. I didn’t feel like I did by getting a bracelet, I didn’t feel like it when I donate $10 dollars to the cause, and now that it’s just a memory, I don’t even feel there’s anymore hope for those poor children. The media fed me so many opinions, so many images at once; all my head did was just shut the thought of the whole thing down. But all in all, even if every month my bank account is overdrawn because of it, I’m glad that I still have the automatic donations to the Kony 2012 program; because if they do catch the asshole, I can say I did care… at least for a while.

 Sooo, back to reality! I pretty sure you’re expecting anecdotes about someone, or a mute, or a fruit, or maybe that one person you love…

Yep Emerald, you know me all to well. But I want to keep the juices flowing, so that’ll be for another entry.

 Let’s talk about something else for a change..

KONY 2012

With every word written here, I've felt, at least, a bit of closure, because I feel that in one way or another I have released my opinion. People may or may not read, but it is a relaxing to know that I have a voice and I can use it for good.

For the past 26 years, Joseph Kony has been abducting Central African children to become part of his rebel army 'Lord's Resistance Army'. This man has scared these children into believing in what he says, and make them kill for the sake of his own power. He needs to be stopped.

The only way to stop him is if the whole world knows of him and his actions.
To whomever reads this simple blog, help the unknown children of Central Africa. Help the Invisible Children.
We only have this year to capture him, we need to make the days count.
The more we share the story of this sick man, the faster we can find him and bring him to justice.

http://youtu.be/Y4MnpzG5Sqc
Educate yourslef, and become a savior.

Use your voice.

Screaming Silence

Since I can't speak to you, I might as well pretend you might read this, just to vent.

Although you want me to forget you, I'm the type of person that can act like I don't remember. But it doesn't mean I don't think of you time to time. It's impossible for me to forget someone I shared my life with.

I sincerely see you as a friend, someone I can trust and talk to without being judged.

I don't blame you for asking me to leave you alone to live your life in peace.. I understand.
But I have this immense urge to talk to you, see how you are, share what's going on in your life...

I am trying to be the friend I had the chance of being before, and give you the space you need.

Regardless of what you dreamt, or what you assume will happen with me, I don't think anything will change just so you know.

Im stuck on the person I love now

breathe [ENC 1102]

And entry number 2:
Enjoy!


Going through my daily rituals, following them religiously, I was interrupted this afternoon by something not on schedule; not in my plans.

Wake Up
School
CafeCultura
Home
Work
Home
Sleep

CafeCultura wasn't going to take place in the same sit-down and speak atmosphere, no. The chilly winds invited us all to go to the pavillion and listen to what 'Slam Poetry' was all about. Time was ticking. Since CC was cancelled, I had an extra hour to kill. What the heck.. I won't even sit! That way I can leave without making a scene if it's boring.

And then Asia came along and told us all to just "Breathe."
"Because anything worth happening
Happens between the inhale and the exhale
Between conception and death
And time fills the spaces between
with the beat by which we tune our breath"

And I could feel the the knot in my throat getting tighter and tighter.

"Time is ticking,
Slipping faster than we can expect
So I can't afford anymore time
trying to define what comes next
I am living now, I am living today
I am living as if the entire world is my stage"

So many thoughts pulling the knot on each end,
Making it hard to listen.
I bite my tounge, so the pain drifts away.
But it's only for a moment
Until I can feel it tightening again,
My mind is exploding, the pain consumes my shoulders as well
And Im just lost.
Until right then, after clenching my eyes,
I hear his voice soften,
Eyes wide open
He tells us to just
breathe.

Pardon me... [ENC 1102]

Well.. I had an ENC1102 class I had to write for.. and I only worte 2 entries. This is entry number 1:


Alright, so I'm supposed to write here for credit...
I find it a challenge to write on a normal basis. I tend to write when Im really really mad, or just a little sad.

Today, I am furious.

Not a lot has been going well for me and my boyfriend. We've been fighting for the past four days, and it's getting on my last nerve.


Those days we look each other in the eye, and see the love sprouting all about.
The scent of the gardenia we found on the street that afternoon still lives.
Your voice on the phone late at night, trying not to shout.
I can feel your warm hands on my face when cold hits.
It's al here; in my mind. In my heart.

But you're far away now
And somehow
Everything we felt doesn't matter.
You don't care,
I don't care,
It doesn't matter.

What is wrong with us?!
Everyday ending in a fuss.
Tormenting each other with the past,
when all we want is time to slip fast
to that day we were on the rooftop
watching the sun set.
Oh, that sunset.
Where our eyes turned to that hue of orange...

What is wrong with us?
It might not be time to be with one another,
but know, that by blaming each other,
we grow apart,
and although we're miles away
let me just say
that the tears that I have shed
will not go to waste.

I gotta keep writing!

Forgive and Forget

"Optimism is an illusion."

I choose to live the illusion of being happy with everything around me.

I feel that, with a little optimisim, I can forget all things wrong.
It's what makes me sleep better at nights.

I'm not always optimistic.

I have my doubts.

But hopefully that will change.

Late Valentine

To fall in love...
Who knows how to?
We are all set to believe that we fall in love when we hear our hearts betting as hard as a drum in the moment we see that special person.

My heart beats, every single time I think of him...
But I was never in love.
It's just the thought of never having that chance to realize if we were actually in love.

They say that if you love someone, let them go. If they come back, their yours; if they don't, they never were yours to begin with.
I wonder what would've happened if I went back... Would he let the quote's philosophy become?

But that's just supposing I didn't fall in love.


I might be too young to say I'm in love...
But I'm pretty sure this damn close.

How do I know?
I think it because I want to tell him everysingle second of my life.. but of course, that's what a best friend is for....
Maybe it's because everywhere I go, I think of what reminds me of him...
Or maybe it's the fact that he's the only person in the world that I let to touch my hair...
Or everytime I see our pictures, I can't wait to take more pictures of us together...

But then again... it sound a lot like a best friend to me.
A person I can't trust.
A person who will act stupid with me.
A person who laughs a my jokes, just because they are not funny at all.
A person who'd do anything for me.

A person I'd care for, for who they are. Every flaw, every perfection.
That's who I think I love.

Do you know why else?
Because I let him go...





and he came back.

I know I'm going to regret this.

I need to hear or read one of your uplifting lectures of how life will keep going on. You might have damned me 'til I die, but I'm willing to hear the insults as long as you cheer me up in the end. Could you lend me your shoulder without judging me, or falling?

All I ask is not to be judged because of the past.
Please.

If I were completely honest...

...my FB would say all this and more.

-is scared of losing everything.
-really does love you.
-cried because she misses being there.
-feels her heart breaking every now and then.
-doesn't want you to feel the way she does.
-watches someone closely, even though she shouldn't.
-wanted to show you her painting.
-feels like it could end at any moment, but hates thinking that.
-acts strong.
-thinks that she's creative when sad.
-wishes she could see that sunset again.
-blames an idiot for everything... (that's the least he deserves)
-hopes to be happy.
-can't find friends in Florida. And she's doesn't want anyone to be happy about this.
-doesn't see her life starting.
-wants to go home.

A Contraluz

The Abyss

rant.

I didn't grow up having family diners every night.
I wouldn't speak if I wasn't spoken to.
I went to 3 "Christian" schools; hence I pray before I go to bed.
I've lived with my grandma for almost all my life... you can say I've never left her side.

I know I'm selfish at times, but you can't accuse me of not spending enough time with my family.
I'm the most respectful girl in the family... too respectful.
I have my own messes in my head; you have no right to judge me, especially if you're not even here.

I've done the guilt trick before, and I know it well.
Don't try to turn this around.
I've respected way too much, and have never recieved respect back.

Don't bet on a change; there's not much time for me to see the consecuences.

Aun sigo viva...

Hace siglos, pero siglooos, que no me siento en la PC y dejo que las palabras fluyan, formando las oraciones que quiero decir pero que callo por razones.

Siempre quiero empezar con "Donde esto y lo otro pasa"... pero nunca encuentro como seguirle el hilo.

Estoy bien.. gracias por preguntar.
Y tu?

Porque sera que decimos gracias? Estamos tan desesperados de que sepan como nos sentimos cada dia, que hay un alivio cuando alguien parece estar interesado en saber de verdad como estamos? Ya lo veo como dialogo de relleno.. como que es montado que despues del "hola" venga el "como estas?"..

Ya no diré 'como estas?'... ni nada por el estilo. Dejare que mis ojos sean los que adivinen como la gente se siente.. Porque debe ser obvio! Y mas cuando casi siempre estamos "bien." Asi mismo... para que preguntar?, si ya sabemos que estas bien...

Jej.. pero para saber si es cierto.. eso si necesita ayuda de los ojos. Cuando dicen bien y vemos que no lo estan.
Pues! Ahi ya vemos que no quieren hablar contigo! Asi que: ni te atrevas a hablarle mas!.. Y sin embargo hay personas que mienten diciendo que estan bien, pero quieren que ustedes sepan que estan mal, para que despues digas "Segur@?" o "Ay noo! Tu pareces que estas maal.." Y ahi vienen los ojos OTRA VEZ!...

Ciclito vicioso, este..

Ojitos observadores.. que capturan el puntito mas pequeño que puede haber, y no ven lo que esta enfrente de ellos. No miran la gran imagen.

"Antígona alzó sus ojos graves hasta él, y le dijo que si, con una sonrisita triste."

Tantas disputas... y la gran imagen ahi.. en la punta de mi nariz. Las disputas estan llenas felicidad. Nos ayudan a considerar cada minuto como los 60 segundos que son. 60 contados. A aprovecharlos, por que son pocos. Te quiero mucho mas de lo que crees, Dieguito. El tiempo vale oro.

Que, por cierto, estaba leyendo mi agenda vieja 2007-2008... Y tengo el 17 de enero 2008 marcado con algo cifrado; y se me olvido lo que siginifica! PS3. Ni idea.. Playstation 3? no no; eso ya me acuerdo que lo puse asi por eso mismo.. para que la gente lo confundiera... pero mira! Hasta a mi me confundio.. Que lio el mio, estar cifrando cosas para despues no saber como descifrarlas.

Mi agenda del 2007-2008 es la cosa mas.. interesante e indeciso que he leido. Cambio mucho de parecer, y me contradigo muchisimo! Es como si viviera en una constante pelea conmigo misma. Pero me gusta leerlo.. me río de mi y de mis ocurrencias.. de mis desiciones finales. Pero cuando llego a los errores, me vuelvo melancólica.. porque nunca sabre que hubiera pasado si hubiera hecho las cosas como debí... como pense hacerlas. En vez de estar diciendo que mi vida era complicada, quejandome de lo que tengo y no tengo, debí aprovechar.. porque hay cosas que perdí, que sé que no volverán a aparecer.. y algunos que talvez me tomen consideración, y me puedan contradecir y volver a tratar de buscarme el lado... que al fin y al cabo, eso es lo que quiero..

Sí! Puede ser que haya sido una desconsiderada, indecisa, complicada... o que lo siga siendo; me gusta sentir que todo esta en el lugar que predije, tener la razon, y decir "te lo dije"... pero las sorpresas tambien son buenas! Aunque sé que alguien me contradirá... talvez no por que no quiere darm la razon.. pero igual me la estaria dando si no lo hace tampoco.. =)

Tantas vueltas al asunto, que hasta aburrida me parece!
Porque digo! Es un ciclo vicioso!!

La vida como ciclo vicioso...

Bye Bye '08!

9 years after the millennium and I'm still waiting for the end of the world.
Many may say I'm a pessimist, but I'm just acknowledging what they once told me would happen. The big-bang, the white light.. the "we're all gonna die!"

Or maybe... it did happen! But not the way we expected... the world did actually go through a big change since '99.. not just Bush.. okay Bush had a big part in these nine years, bit I can't make this about him now..
Lemme go back in time nine years ago.. I got my dog Mickey... I was in the third grade... I had a yellow GameBoy... lol.. Fun times..
And each year I've grown... mentally! lol I think I'm the same height since..

2008 Recaps are fun too.
A looot of surprises...weddings... dances... secrets... pictures... laughs... stories... stuff that shouldn't have been done. But we can't regret those things now! Actually, those are the type of things that make this year a year to remember!!

This is the first new years eve where I'm not sad about what happened... just scared of what the new year will bring... Time does fly by...

In 10 minutes the new year will be here.
And it'll be gone in an instant.
So fuck Bush!! Fuck Obama! .. Ok, not Obama.. Fuck Leonel and Hipolito!
Fuck the end...
Be prepared for the begining!

Walking, Talking Selfcontradiction

I've spun so many times through my head to make a choice on what to write about next; at the end it always turns out to be a contradiction or a self-discovery, based on certain dates... like right now I was going to write of how I "already forgot" some dates and times I've always wanted to forget. Or just before that, I discovered I won't ever forget those datesand times. Or how about right now, I discovered I contradict myself "unconsciounsly"...

I just found out I write to try to forget, and read to remember...

I gotta stop lying to myself.

You wanted questions?

I can draw hearts and flowers. Can you?

What happened after I went to sleep that morning at 6am?

Why did we miss watching a group for each other?

How many pictures?

Was it too little time? Or too much time?

Who told me to take up piano again?

Where were you on the day of my birthday?

Will you write back?

I was surprised. Were you?

Did I break that particular organ keeping you alive?

Were you inspired enough?

Do you remember the night we stared at stars?

When can I apologize?


Have I ever told you orange suits you?

Reading back...

It's just funny how sometimes I go back in time just by reading old entries. I mean to go back and exactly remember how I felt that day and what made me write just means the world to me.
As I've said before, memories are the key things I have in life. Its my personal time machine.
I laugh, cry at entries and stuff, and I its just incredible.. at least for me. lol
Each mind is created differently and everyone's perspective is different. I just feel I respect everyone's opinions and thoughts, cuz without them I wouldn't think.

Blurry Moon

Where the sun sets at 9pm.
Where heat makes us lose our heads.
And where boredom comes to the point that people write in old math notebooks.
It might sound far away, but it's closer than you think... Distance doesn't matter when it comes to "home-sickness".

Eyes are on me 24/7, but aren't actually seeing.
I see;
but at the end, I see only what I wanna see;
imagine what I want to imagine.
Stuck on movie-like moments and never ending dreams.

Where the real life scares the living crap out of me,
and yet still means nothing to me.
Cuz all the flowers, all the ice cream,
all the colours don't scare me at all.
It's a place where nights are like cloudy oceans filled with
pirates seeking treasure every second Tuesday of the month.
Its where people really can say "it's a small world".
Nope. It ain't Disney!...

It's the corner of my undecided, jealous, lazy, confused mind...

And it struggled so much not to use the "T" word while writing...

Ima let the jungle run wild.