The Abyss

rant.

I didn't grow up having family diners every night.
I wouldn't speak if I wasn't spoken to.
I went to 3 "Christian" schools; hence I pray before I go to bed.
I've lived with my grandma for almost all my life... you can say I've never left her side.

I know I'm selfish at times, but you can't accuse me of not spending enough time with my family.
I'm the most respectful girl in the family... too respectful.
I have my own messes in my head; you have no right to judge me, especially if you're not even here.

I've done the guilt trick before, and I know it well.
Don't try to turn this around.
I've respected way too much, and have never recieved respect back.

Don't bet on a change; there's not much time for me to see the consecuences.

Aun sigo viva...

Hace siglos, pero siglooos, que no me siento en la PC y dejo que las palabras fluyan, formando las oraciones que quiero decir pero que callo por razones.

Siempre quiero empezar con "Donde esto y lo otro pasa"... pero nunca encuentro como seguirle el hilo.

Estoy bien.. gracias por preguntar.
Y tu?

Porque sera que decimos gracias? Estamos tan desesperados de que sepan como nos sentimos cada dia, que hay un alivio cuando alguien parece estar interesado en saber de verdad como estamos? Ya lo veo como dialogo de relleno.. como que es montado que despues del "hola" venga el "como estas?"..

Ya no diré 'como estas?'... ni nada por el estilo. Dejare que mis ojos sean los que adivinen como la gente se siente.. Porque debe ser obvio! Y mas cuando casi siempre estamos "bien." Asi mismo... para que preguntar?, si ya sabemos que estas bien...

Jej.. pero para saber si es cierto.. eso si necesita ayuda de los ojos. Cuando dicen bien y vemos que no lo estan.
Pues! Ahi ya vemos que no quieren hablar contigo! Asi que: ni te atrevas a hablarle mas!.. Y sin embargo hay personas que mienten diciendo que estan bien, pero quieren que ustedes sepan que estan mal, para que despues digas "Segur@?" o "Ay noo! Tu pareces que estas maal.." Y ahi vienen los ojos OTRA VEZ!...

Ciclito vicioso, este..

Ojitos observadores.. que capturan el puntito mas pequeño que puede haber, y no ven lo que esta enfrente de ellos. No miran la gran imagen.

"Antígona alzó sus ojos graves hasta él, y le dijo que si, con una sonrisita triste."

Tantas disputas... y la gran imagen ahi.. en la punta de mi nariz. Las disputas estan llenas felicidad. Nos ayudan a considerar cada minuto como los 60 segundos que son. 60 contados. A aprovecharlos, por que son pocos. Te quiero mucho mas de lo que crees, Dieguito. El tiempo vale oro.

Que, por cierto, estaba leyendo mi agenda vieja 2007-2008... Y tengo el 17 de enero 2008 marcado con algo cifrado; y se me olvido lo que siginifica! PS3. Ni idea.. Playstation 3? no no; eso ya me acuerdo que lo puse asi por eso mismo.. para que la gente lo confundiera... pero mira! Hasta a mi me confundio.. Que lio el mio, estar cifrando cosas para despues no saber como descifrarlas.

Mi agenda del 2007-2008 es la cosa mas.. interesante e indeciso que he leido. Cambio mucho de parecer, y me contradigo muchisimo! Es como si viviera en una constante pelea conmigo misma. Pero me gusta leerlo.. me río de mi y de mis ocurrencias.. de mis desiciones finales. Pero cuando llego a los errores, me vuelvo melancólica.. porque nunca sabre que hubiera pasado si hubiera hecho las cosas como debí... como pense hacerlas. En vez de estar diciendo que mi vida era complicada, quejandome de lo que tengo y no tengo, debí aprovechar.. porque hay cosas que perdí, que sé que no volverán a aparecer.. y algunos que talvez me tomen consideración, y me puedan contradecir y volver a tratar de buscarme el lado... que al fin y al cabo, eso es lo que quiero..

Sí! Puede ser que haya sido una desconsiderada, indecisa, complicada... o que lo siga siendo; me gusta sentir que todo esta en el lugar que predije, tener la razon, y decir "te lo dije"... pero las sorpresas tambien son buenas! Aunque sé que alguien me contradirá... talvez no por que no quiere darm la razon.. pero igual me la estaria dando si no lo hace tampoco.. =)

Tantas vueltas al asunto, que hasta aburrida me parece!
Porque digo! Es un ciclo vicioso!!

La vida como ciclo vicioso...

Bye Bye '08!

9 years after the millennium and I'm still waiting for the end of the world.
Many may say I'm a pessimist, but I'm just acknowledging what they once told me would happen. The big-bang, the white light.. the "we're all gonna die!"

Or maybe... it did happen! But not the way we expected... the world did actually go through a big change since '99.. not just Bush.. okay Bush had a big part in these nine years, bit I can't make this about him now..
Lemme go back in time nine years ago.. I got my dog Mickey... I was in the third grade... I had a yellow GameBoy... lol.. Fun times..
And each year I've grown... mentally! lol I think I'm the same height since..

2008 Recaps are fun too.
A looot of surprises...weddings... dances... secrets... pictures... laughs... stories... stuff that shouldn't have been done. But we can't regret those things now! Actually, those are the type of things that make this year a year to remember!!

This is the first new years eve where I'm not sad about what happened... just scared of what the new year will bring... Time does fly by...

In 10 minutes the new year will be here.
And it'll be gone in an instant.
So fuck Bush!! Fuck Obama! .. Ok, not Obama.. Fuck Leonel and Hipolito!
Fuck the end...
Be prepared for the begining!

Walking, Talking Selfcontradiction

I've spun so many times through my head to make a choice on what to write about next; at the end it always turns out to be a contradiction or a self-discovery, based on certain dates... like right now I was going to write of how I "already forgot" some dates and times I've always wanted to forget. Or just before that, I discovered I won't ever forget those datesand times. Or how about right now, I discovered I contradict myself "unconsciounsly"...

I just found out I write to try to forget, and read to remember...

I gotta stop lying to myself.

You wanted questions?

I can draw hearts and flowers. Can you?

What happened after I went to sleep that morning at 6am?

Why did we miss watching a group for each other?

How many pictures?

Was it too little time? Or too much time?

Who told me to take up piano again?

Where were you on the day of my birthday?

Will you write back?

I was surprised. Were you?

Did I break that particular organ keeping you alive?

Were you inspired enough?

Do you remember the night we stared at stars?

When can I apologize?


Have I ever told you orange suits you?

Reading back...

It's just funny how sometimes I go back in time just by reading old entries. I mean to go back and exactly remember how I felt that day and what made me write just means the world to me.
As I've said before, memories are the key things I have in life. Its my personal time machine.
I laugh, cry at entries and stuff, and I its just incredible.. at least for me. lol
Each mind is created differently and everyone's perspective is different. I just feel I respect everyone's opinions and thoughts, cuz without them I wouldn't think.

Blurry Moon

Where the sun sets at 9pm.
Where heat makes us lose our heads.
And where boredom comes to the point that people write in old math notebooks.
It might sound far away, but it's closer than you think... Distance doesn't matter when it comes to "home-sickness".

Eyes are on me 24/7, but aren't actually seeing.
I see;
but at the end, I see only what I wanna see;
imagine what I want to imagine.
Stuck on movie-like moments and never ending dreams.

Where the real life scares the living crap out of me,
and yet still means nothing to me.
Cuz all the flowers, all the ice cream,
all the colours don't scare me at all.
It's a place where nights are like cloudy oceans filled with
pirates seeking treasure every second Tuesday of the month.
Its where people really can say "it's a small world".
Nope. It ain't Disney!...

It's the corner of my undecided, jealous, lazy, confused mind...

And it struggled so much not to use the "T" word while writing...

Ima let the jungle run wild.